Bullying: The Facts We Missed

It is said that you should never look back and always forward to make yourself a better person. But for one to understand the journey we must first start from the beginning. We must first understand the issue and realize what we missed might help someone else.

Our son was a happy young person. Always smiling and always willing to help others. But he was quiet. He never really was one to jump right in and socialize into the stream of things, but for heaven’s sake, it was only preschool.  

Many would tell us he was an old soul because of the way he was. For adults they understood it, but for children, they never really did.

As our son went on to school, his first three years were good. He engaged with many of his peers and the teachers, and it appeared that perhaps his shyness was wearing off. We look at pictures of him during that time and we see the large smiles, the group shots with other kids, engaged in Cub Scouts, working hard on the soccer field, and working to be part of that so-called social group we all strive for. 

But what was missing is something we should have picked up on. He was never the one to be invited to birthday parties, never the one to be asked to sleep over, never the one to just to be asked to hang out.

He never said much about it, but we knew it bothered him. As he entered the fourth grade, we noticed him hanging around the playground himself, not really engaged with the other kids, and just starting to lose his large smile. His interest in soccer was starting to wind down and he wasn’t giving it his all. He was still engaged in Cub Scouts, but not to the tune of what he was before. 

As parents, we were concerned, but we also knew the school year was a little rougher and the homework got a lot harder and heavier. His teachers did not notice much in the classroom, so we figured it was just the break he was looking for.

He worked through the school year to make sure his studies and grades stayed up and again during the year he was never asked over and never had anyone really befriend him at all. We started to wonder what could be wrong with him. Could he be the kid who is antisocial, the kid who wakes up one morning and disappears, never to be heard from?

Then the school year let out and he started to smile again and engage in activities he liked. On vacation he loved the ocean and learned how to skim board and would meet kids on the beach and skim with them. He tried new things and was happy again, so perhaps he just is an anxious kid who strives for perfection in school and thus creates some nervousness.

The beginning of fifth grade he joined the school soccer team and enjoyed the fact his dad was coaching the team. He tried out and played goalie and the kids encouraged him and praised him for his great teamwork. He played with older kids and this seemed to get him going, seemed to build his confidence. But again he was the kid who was always left out. They never invited him over or to parties. He was just the kid who was left to his own. During the school day there would be teasing and at times some physical pushing, but to a dad, was it really something to get bent out of shape about?

I decided to have lunch with a former student’s father and try to get a handle on why they no longer went to the school and I started to see the picture. It was like listening to the story of my son all over again. It was like reading the play-by-play of a former championship game; I knew the outcome without knowing the outcome. But what struck me the most was when he used the word “BULLYING."

I stopped and asked him again to repeat it. What I always thought of bullying was the tough stuff on the playground, the pushing, and the hitting, the lunch money being taken from you.  I never thought that what my son was experiencing was bullying. We started to do our own research and we educated ourselves as quickly as possible about what bullying was all about.  

We were shocked to learn and hear of the stories where emotional bullying far outweighed and did more damage than physical bullying. It was the “SECRET NOBOBY WANTED TO TALK ABOUT."  But it was real, and we knew we had to take matters in our own hands because no one else was seeing it and so we set out on our mission to save our son.