.

I Will NOT Be Your Dungeon Master...

From shocking news about an ex, to a date with a Dungeons and Dragons nerd, it's been a funky few weeks.

The heart/brain combo is quite a complex and confusing relationship. Sometimes there are moments where your brain is telling you something quite logical, yet your heart is jumping in the way to sabotage a fairly normal response. For example, I just found out that my ex is engaged. My brain is telling me that I was the one who broke it off, that because he’s not in my life that I should pay no mind to the news. My heart is just a little behind, obviously got left back a few years in school. A smorgasbord of questions/emotions has ensued since I found out, and the majority of those questions are too petty and stupid to repeat here, but suffice to say that I’m dealing with some weird demons in the struggle between brain and heart.

Within 8ish months of us breaking up, he’s engaged to someone else. Interesting. I wonder if she’s knocked up… Now that’s out of my system, we’ll move on.

How did dating get so complicated? People don’t want to meet organically anymore, and we’re scared to talk to each other. But put us behind a computer and we’ve got bigger nerves and even bigger egos. I mean come on, would a man in real life come up to me in a bar and say to me, “If you’ve got no inhibitions, let me know, because I think we should have sex”. He might, but he would definitely get a boot to the crotch. Over the internet I can only marvel at the ballsiness of people.

*Funny side note, I was driving behind a person the other day who was in a busted up Monte Carlo (the hood a separate color than the rest of the vehicle), who had a stencil of a pit bull on his back window, and a slogan across the top that said “Too low for fat @$$ hoes”. To really up that classy factor, this 400-and-some pound fella was smoking like a chimney and spitting some giant loogies out his window. I needed to paint that picture for someone else- thanks for being there, reader.*

Back to the issue at hand. I went on a date with an uber nerd. It was actually the best date that I’ve been on since the on-set of my singleness. I knew going in to this whole thing that he was a nerd, and I was ok with it, nerdy can be hot. We had some nice conversation and a few laughs, but there was no attraction. Nada. He was one of those people who is so slender that you’re afraid to touch them because they might shatter. And I’m willing to put up with some video game playing, but what he was discussing was to a whole new level. Regardless of the fact that he was allergic to everything on God’s green earth, he was a nice guy, and we actually had a lot in common. I just wasn’t feeling it. He could have been more of a literary buddy instead of a love interest. And I say “could have” because I never spoke to him again. Honest to Jeebus, I was going to message him later to talk books, but time got away from me and I missed my window (I did the Relay for Life that weekend, and suffice to say I was stressed to the max and the thought of dating didn’t even cross my mind). Then it got to that awkward point where it had been 2 weeks since the date, and what was I going to say? “Sorry, I forgot all about you, but it doesn’t matter anyway because I see you as more of a friend”? Probably not, but I could have at least sent him a quick message saying it was nice to meet him but I didn’t think there was any chemistry. I tried to go back and send him a message about 3 weeks later, but he had deleted his account. And I felt crappy.

So things are slow going on the sites. I think it’s really funny that I get messages from repeat creepers because I add a new photo. Apparently the weirdos think I don’t remember them from their super crude message prior to. No dude, I totally remember you, and just because you waited 2 months doesn’t mean you’re going to get under my radar.

I had a few people give me the false alarms. I had someone message me a really eloquently composed message, but he didn’t have a profile picture or anything really filled out- and I’m very wary of all that. Turns out he emailed me his pictures (he didn’t want his ex gf to find him on there or something, IDK), and he was nice, we emailed back and forth a bit. One Monday he asked if I was going to be around later that night, which I took to mean he was going to either email me, or want to do the coffee gig, but I never heard from him ever again. Then yesterday I got a “So-and-so wants to meet you!” message, and I emailed this new guy- still haven’t heard anything. I go out on the limb because YOU were too chicken (crap) to send me a message, and then I don’t get anything back? Totally bogus. If you’re too nervous to send a message and want to click the “Meet them” icon instead, fine. I get it, dating is scary. But if you do so, and that person emails you back, then why wouldn’t you respond? Hell if I know.

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

Lauren Braun June 04, 2012 at 04:21 PM
People are just different now-a-days. It's not how it used to be, where you could meet someone in a bar and it wouldn't be one of the skeezy ones you meet today. The balls on these people these days too is just out of control. I hope your mind/brain is taking control of the ex situation, because it is really something you wish wasn't you. Screw all the ex's, they are ex's for a reason and were better off. Especially you, props to the dating online...I could never do it. Love you:)
Helen June 04, 2012 at 08:05 PM
Agreed with Lauren!! Exes are exes for a reason. Love ya :)
Kristen Braun June 04, 2012 at 08:19 PM
Yes, times are different. Especially since I'm not a drinker, it's so HARD to think of places where I could just BE and run into someone. My brain has indeed taken charge of the ex situation. I never wished it was me, but hearing that someone you loved has not only moved on, but made it "forever" official is always going to burn just a bit. Love you too :)
Kristen Braun June 04, 2012 at 08:19 PM
Exes should never move on though- they are supposed to sit around useless and pining for you for the rest of their life. Right? Or not. <3
Jerry Grady June 05, 2012 at 09:21 PM
I enjoy your blogs but should we be more kind as this was one which appeared a little harsh and filled with anger. Calling your date an uber nerd comes across as someone who is being very strong and offensive to men. Should we judge a book by its cover or should we learn to accept people for who they are and not put labels on them? If a man used an insulting label on His date how would one feel? Remember this person is someone's child, son, or friend.
Kristen Braun June 05, 2012 at 09:55 PM
Hi Jerry, thanks for reading. I would like to say that I think you are missing the whole vibe of this blog. I stressed in the beginning that this was the best date I'd been on since I was single, and that nerdy can be hot. I also said that we had a lot in common, as I would identify myself as a nerd, and I'm damn proud of it. I don't see how this being my best date, and mentioning how nice he was and that we had things in common is "harsh". However, there are levels of nerdiness, and this particular man happened to be above mine. I did mention that I felt bad not contacting him, and I meant it, because I enjoyed his company. I don't understand how calling someone an uber nerd would mean that I'm offensive towards men, especially in light of what's been coming my way lately. You said that you like my blogs, but I challenge that you're actually reading them all the way through, since "offensive" and "insulting" would be adjectives I'd use to describe the things men on the sites are saying to me, and not what I'm putting back out there towards them. Maybe I was harsh about everything else in the blog, but I've already justified that anger to myself. I completely 100% disagree with your opinion, but that's because I'm biased :) Thanks for the debate though.
BryGuy June 07, 2012 at 05:35 PM
Hi Kristen. I've been reading your blog since you started. I actually agree with Jerry a bit more here. I actually had very similar thoughts as I was reading. Frankly, I was shocked. These observations about the 'nerdiness' of your date seemed to rub against the grain and spirit of your blog since the beginning. I have no doubt I'd be bailing out of a date that revealed my counterpart had little other than video games on their mind, but something about the tone of your post is sour, and off putting. Forgive me for pointing it out, but it's as if you've taken your terrible dating experiences out on this poor soul. Kinda given him an emotional kick in gut, to equalize the pain. I wonder what his blog post about dating would sound like. I hope he doesn't read yours.
Kristen Braun June 07, 2012 at 06:41 PM
Hi BryGuy, thanks for taking the time to comment. I guess I'm a little perplexed where all this is coming from. I don't feel as though I was harsh at all, and I'm tired of trying to justify myself, because I know the mindset I was in when I wrote it, I know how I feel about the gentleman in question, and it's not what you and Jerry are perceiving. I just don't GET it- I said he was the best date I've been on, we had great conversation, nerdy can be hot etc yet apparently all the males that are reading this can't get past the point that I called him an uber nerd, even though that wasn't meant to be a negative. I myself am a nerd, I'm looking for someone that has the essence of nerd. Because I mention that this fella had a little more than what is ideal for me makes me sour and off putting? I'm challenging that, honestly. I honest-to-goodness do NOT understand where you guys are getting this "emotional kick to the gut" stuff, because I feel that's nowhere in this blog. Are we all on the same page that the only time I talk about my nice nerdy man was the one paragraph? Because yeah, the intro about my ex could be construed as harsh, but I wasn't holding back on that. The paragraphs that follow are aimed at the guys that email me things like "You're cute in the face and thick in the waist" and proposition me for inappropriate acts because I have a nice smile. You're entitled to your opinion, but I'm flabbergasted because this was the best date so far, and I felt I conveyed that.
BryGuy June 07, 2012 at 07:11 PM
Well maybe I can help... So slender, you're afraid to touch them. Allergic to everything, *but he's a nice guy anyway* Essentially, he sounds like a great guy, but you have zero attraction to him. In other words, no chemistry, despite his merits. Earlier in your blogs (which I don't have in front of me, sorry) I took away a theme of you kinda venting about the whole chemistry thing. About how people are shallow, and they don't look beyond the outer shell. I think many of us reading could relate to that dilemma. And here, you seem to be the perpetrator of the same thing. And by the way, I think it speaks volumes about the nature of attraction and chemistry, and how modern technology is messing with it. Whether you intended it to sound that way or not, it does sound that way. Which I imagine was surprising to more people than just me who have been following you. Good Luck.
Lauren D June 07, 2012 at 07:12 PM
I have to agree with you here, Kristen. You said you had a nice time, and that there was no spark. That's what we date for right, the spark? And also, dating is a two way street. He had just as much time as you did to reach back out, so maybe he wasn't feeling it either. I'll admit it can take time for love to grow, but there is absolutely no sense in dragging someone along for a string of pointless pseudo-dates just to finally determine that spark you never felt was never going to show up. Are people on dating sites to find new platonic friends? I don't think so. So, while you forgot about the guy for a couple weeks, it wasn't going to go anywhere anyway. And who's to say his feelings on the matter? He is perfectly capable of making contact with another person himself; don't hold his hand if you don't want to be there.
Lauren Braun June 07, 2012 at 07:17 PM
I am quite amazed at the gentlemen above. How many times does she have to say that he was "the best date ever and i could see him as a potential friend?" I mean you call her harsh but honestly, what was so extremely harsh about it? This is my sister writing these amazing blogs, I mean they are aren't they? You too are reading them! I know her more than any guy on this planet, and all the nerdness she spoke of was because she too is a nerd herself. Its a word she used, it wasn't a degrating word either. I think some of us need to truly read her blogs and think to themselves, "I wonder what the MEN on ok cupid have been sending her?" If you knew that, you then would call those men harsh and degrating. Love your blogs sis, and love you!-Laur
BryGuy June 07, 2012 at 07:28 PM
@Lauren B. I can indeed imagine what men are saying to her. There are some really horrible people out there. Telling a man who is into you (if he was into you) that he is such a great guy, you want to be his friend, is extremely offensive to the male ego. Which may be laughable to some women, but then, like I said, there are some really horrible people out there. My point is, the male ego is offended just as easily as the female ego, but not by the same things. A weak, allergic, "nerdy" "nice guy" is not the goal men strive for on a date.
Kristen Braun June 07, 2012 at 07:56 PM
Telling someone you want to be their friend should be verbal applause towards their personality- and I'm sorry if someone's ego is that fragile that they can't take that as the compliment it was intended. Physical attraction is necessary, I'm sorry. I am for SURE not the cup of tea for 90% of men out there, and I'm totally cool with that because I know that's the case and I'm secure with myself. This gentleman was in his 30s, and I like Lauren G's comment as well- communication and attraction is a 2-way street. Maybe he DID write a blog about how I was too stuck up or overweight, or didn't like his taste in music. That's cool with me, because I'm an adult and I know that just because someone isn't into me, doesn't mean its the end of the world or I'm any less of a woman yadda yadda. Ya know? I can't be faulted for not being attracted to a guy "despite her merits", I don't even know what that means. I should be force to find an attraction to a guy because we had a nice conversation and liked the same books- that's not how the real world works, as I'm fully aware. I reach out to guys every day who list the same interests on their profile, and I never get hits in return. Why? Because they feel no chemistry despite MY merits. :) It is what it is BryGuy, and it's a tough world out there. To date online you need to have a thick skin. And apparently you need one to write blogs that the general public can comment on as well. Thanks for the debate.
Kristen Braun June 07, 2012 at 07:59 PM
I think where I went wrong is that I painted a picture of my date as the quintessential "nerd". I had thought maybe it was lend some realism to the story, but in fact I came off as a bitch. No biggie. I know what happened between me and this man, and he does too. I mean really, if he was at all interested in me, he would have reached out. But he probably thought I would crush him, which is where I was going with the whole "slender as he may shatter" comment. Thanks for the comment, sis, I love you back :)
Kristen Braun June 07, 2012 at 08:04 PM
Thanks, Lauren. I sure as hell date for the spark. If I was willing to settle for anything less, I would. It's going to take more than a few books in common and polite conversation to make me want a second date. And as per my previous blogs, I'm meeting people much faster now, to make sure that there's SOMETHING there to go on before I commit to further dates and/or conversation. As like what happened with the Jacket-Hugger, I'm not about to continue this online dating fiasco in an effort to meet new friends, or people that don't make me feel even the slightest bit excited to see them for a second date. Thanks for the comment, and for reading!
Lauren Braun June 07, 2012 at 08:57 PM
@Bryguy...I guess I am confused as to why u say telling someone they r a great personand such is an offense to their ego? How? Should we instead say, "welp im just not that into you, see ya later?" I thought by giving him a compliment and ending the date well was how one should do. We didnt know if he was really into her nor her being into him...hense the reason why they went on a date to meet.
Bryan Bentley (Editor) June 07, 2012 at 11:28 PM
Kristen, I'm totally with BryGuy on this. You were rough on him, and I would guess that any man who has read your blog would avoid dating you like the plague...
Kristen Braun June 08, 2012 at 12:09 AM
Bryan, anyone who is offended by what I wrote, and thinks that it was harsh or offensive I would hope avoided me because those are not the type of people I want in my life anyway. You read and think what you want, because no matter how much I want you to understand, you won't because you only decipher what you want. Thank you for contributing to my own personal need to grow a thicker skin- I keep forgetting there are people like you out there to keep me on my toes.
Kristen Braun June 08, 2012 at 01:41 AM
God bless you, Samantha Jones (I <3 the name!).
bryguydeux June 10, 2012 at 12:15 PM
Actually we (Bryan) are not the same person. I find it interesting that you've taken such great offense to someone pointing out that YOU might be part of the problem. I also find it interesting that you assume it's the fault of the reader when the author and the reader cannot even agree on what was trying to be communicated. Not much of an open mind here. But then again, ?love? is blind. By the way, no one is offended by what you wrote (well no one except I assume the victim). We (or at least I) simply think your comments are out of character based on the history of your blog. This entire thread is rather revealing in fact. So I assume, based on your comments here, that you'd be totally okay with, unoffended by, and able to walk away confidently from the following comment from a date: "Look, we seem to have a lot in common, you are cool, and we could probably talk for hours about the latest book. However, if you were just 20 lbs skinnier, I'd be into you. But I'm just not physically attracted to someone who is over weight. There is no chemistry. Let's just be friends, cool girl." And for the sake of argument, let's assume you ran into his later blog which brushed you off callously based on some physical traits, a host of allergies you have no control over, and your obsession with unicorns. And last but not least, you were into this person. Are you capable of putting yourself in this situation? Could you walk away confidently with your head held high?
Samantha Jones June 10, 2012 at 03:49 PM
Let's see there's BryGuy, Bryan Bentley and now Bryguydeux? But you're not all the same person? ah ha ha yeah ok riiiighht! I guess you think if you say you're not 'all the same person' that makes it believable? In what...some alternate universe maybe lol? Here's the real deal bro...you're obviously taking offense to the writer's blog because YOU have been the person on the other end of the 'no chemistry'...'she's just not that into you' kinda date, and perhaps more than once, so you have used this as an outlet to vent your personal frustrations/animosity towards your 'own' dating life situations or 'lack thereof'. Doesn't take Sigmund Freud to figure that one out! Kristen has made a point, and on more than one occasion to say she may very well 'not' be someone's interest based on what they may prefer, so for you to blatantly reiterate, on the level that you just did clearly solidifies what I stated a few sentences ahead of this paragraph which is so obvious that this is more about what 'someone has done to you' in the past, present or current as opposed to the blog writings of Kristen Braun, an absolute stranger to you who's personal thoughts and opinions clearly hold so much weight where you're concerned lol... Part of being a 'writer' is putting yourself out there no holds barred in the eye of the public. That takes BALLS, and apparently ones that are much bigger than yours BryGuy, Brian Bentley and oh yeah, Bryguydeux. Beyond laughable!
bryguydeux June 10, 2012 at 04:33 PM
Wow Samantha, you sure have it all figured out, don't you? Sweetie, I'm probably 15 years or more older than you. I stopped playing games like that 20+ years ago. My last date was gorgeous, and successful and we had a great time. I've followed your friend because it took awhile for me to navigate the online world. I did it for 5 years, and I learned a thing or two about myself and others along the way. I learned much about chemistry, too. You aren't doing your friend or sister or whatever she is to you any favors here. And thanks for your pragmatic, and insightful observations about psychology and writing. A true two-faced amateur such as myself, could use all the brilliance you have to offer. And these are two subjects which I am quite sure, I have not an inkling of an understanding. Perhaps you could get me my own classification in the DSM-5.
Bryan Bentley (Editor) June 10, 2012 at 07:27 PM
Samantha, If you were to take a minute, and actually do a little looking, you would figure out that your stupid conspiracy theory is ridiculous. I had an opinion and I shared it. This is a big world and there are probably lot's of guys named Bryan. Thank You & have a great day. :) A note to BryGuy: Sorry I made a comment & unleashed those two upon you...
bryguydeux June 10, 2012 at 07:35 PM
@Bryan, no worries. The poor girl is simply trying to defend her sister. She just doesn't have the ammunition, so she needs to create a diversion. Funny thing is, the Bry isn't even short for Bryan. Assumptions, Assumptions.
Bryan Bentley (Editor) June 11, 2012 at 01:22 AM
This is hilarious! Hey John, Can I change my name? I wanna be Dr. B from now on!!! HaHaHa
John McKay (Editor) June 11, 2012 at 02:31 AM
Ha... we prefer if people use real names. I can vouch that Bryan Bentley ISN'T BryGuy, though.

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