Online Dating: The Sneak Attack

Editor's note: This entry may contain mature themes. Reader discretion is advised.

Well, it’s been an interesting few weeks. The online dating scene has been pretty slow as of late, but that doesn’t mean I’m not getting the rare hilarious message. Apparently some people consider it wooing, but I find it hysterical. One message in particular was from a guy whose screen name was letsgetitin247. *sigh* I knew this was going to be a poetic message, but I wasn’t quite prepared for: “Hey how u doin I was wondering if u was interested in gettin to kno me if u r send me a message back and we can get started holla back boo." Listen, I’m not looking for Shakespeare, but I am looking for punctuation and respect.

Speaking of respect, I spent a few hours one weekend wasting time conversing with Sebastian, who was like a bunch of chocolates, I had no idea what I was about to get. The conversation was kicked off by a fella that wasn’t quite my type, but he sent me a rather eloquent and well thought-out message so I decided to give it a whirl. We went back and forth for a few hours, and I wasn’t quite sure how to decipher this guy. He turned out to be one of the ones that thinks I’m lying about my height. Dude, if I’m lying about anything, it’s going to be my weight. In the real world, women as tall as I am are not very common, and when I was in high school it was a dating debacle trying to find someone my height. So suffice to say it’s something I’ve come to classify as “overcome," so I’m comfortable with it.

Apparently a lot of guys aren’t, and they think I’m making this up. WHY?!? What’s the point? He sends me a message with a line like “Did I read that you’re 6 feet tall?” And my pithy reply is something like, “I don’t know, did you?” and he goes on to say that his sister is just as tall, and he knows how hard it was for her to get over feeling like it was an obstacle, and he praised me on doing the same. Oh. Ok. So I let it slide, but he keeps picking at it like, “I bet it’s hard for you to find guys your height, especially if you’re wearing heels”. No, really? It’s not a cake-walk, and I get really irritated with people who like to point out the obvious. So at this point he’s losing me, but keeps managing to redeem himself. He says that he loves the confidence it takes to carry that height on a woman. Fine. Whatever. We’re still talking, and he’s complimenting me on my profile, saying that I seem like a very giving person — he likes my smile, etc.

That’s when he drops the hammer. I’m not going to quote him, but this gist of the last message he sends me is that I look like, and appear to have the personality of, someone who enjoys giving oral sex. Ohmygod. Really, Sebastian??? I (obviously) don’t respond to this message a.) Because I’m too flabbergasted and b.) Because I know what I’d want to type as a response, and it just wasn’t polite, and I wasn’t going to stoop to his level.

I end up deleting all the messages and ignoring him. I went for a nice weekend nap, and I woke up to another message from Sebastian saying that he’s sorry if I was offended by his candor, but he thought we were conversing frankly. Listen guys, there’s a difference between being “frank” and being flat-out rude. I called my best friend, and I told her about this and she gave me some great advice (as per usual). She was irritated that he was trying to make me feel guilty about my lack of response by putting the ball back in my court with the comment of “I thought we were being frank” and she said to me, “Kristen, the man you are going to marry isn’t going to tell you within a few hours of talking to you that you seem like the kinda girl that likes to give oral.”

True. She also pointed out that he wouldn’t have the guts to say something like that to my face, and the utter disrespect just comes from the cover of online chatting. And she’s right. I can’t imagine running into someone in line at a coffee shop and having the guy tell me that my big bright smile must mean that I’m good at doing certain intimate things.

That was my conversation with Sebastian. This happened back in February, and I thought that was going to be the last of him. Two weeks ago he sent me a message that said, “Just saying hello… :)”

I continue to ignore him.